“Shoot weeds up so high into the air that gravity incinerates them on the way back down!”
“Pick tomatoes with a handy extendable glove that also turns hornworms into SOLID GOLD! Then you can sell your unwanted gold hornworms for CASH MONEY!”
“Gather biomass with this amazing 16′ wide swiveling rake – now with Super Grass Sculpting Action (TM)!”
Ever since the Garden of Eden, snakes have been trying to sell us things we really don’t need. If you simply eat the fruit – or send $29.95 a month for the next three months – you can become a gardening god!
I like tools and I’ve done my fair share of work in advertising, so I know why these promises are so enticing. Once you’ve double-dug a couple of garden beds, the thought of Effortlessly Aerating Your Lawn Or Garden to a Depth of 48″ With This So-Easy-A-Child-Could-Do-It EarthTwister Wand has a certain appeal. In the past, I’ve fallen for a couple of less-than-useful tools that promised bliss… but brought only monetary regret.
When I lived in Tennessee, I had thick, rocky clay in my backyard. The ground was so hard that it would take me 15-20 minutes to dig a hole big enough for a peach tree. Turning the soil was viciously hard to do, and breaking new seedbeds was a Sisyphean task.
One fine spring day, I rented a big tiller and attacked a patch of lawn. Despite the tough soil and rocks, after three passes I had a reasonably decent place to plant that year’s garden. It took $40, some gasoline, and a lot of arm-vibrating, skull-jarring, leg-tiring work. The staggering about behind a bucking tiller wasn’t enjoyable. It felt like I had traded Dante for Melville, honestly.
Some time that same year, I came across a strange little tool at Lowes. It was a twist cultivator! There was a picture of a happy woman barely straining as she fluffed up dirt. I could do that! And no gas… no renting… no exhaust… just me, twisting and fluffing in the sunshine like the pretty lady on the label. Hurray! I could handle that!
So I bought it.
An hour later at home, I attacked a little piece of my front planter. The tines needed to be rammed into the ground like a Spartan spear into the heart of an Immortal… and twisting it wasn’t easy. In fact, the tool was better for working my abdominal muscles than it was for working the soil.
Garden gadget fail.
Another fail was less about deliberately looking for an easy way out, and more about not seeing a better option. I once needed a new pair of long-handled loppers to do some clean-up work on one of my pear trees. I went to the garden center and started hunting. Most of the tools there were either cheaply-made or too huge for what I wanted. The only pair that looked to be about the right size had telescoping handles. Okay, whatever. I wanted simple, but they were the right size… so I bought them.
After the first few minutes of trimming I was ticked. The handles had a bad habit of extending and retracting with every slight twist. When you’re trying to gnaw through branches overhead, this is maddening. I took them back and bought a bow saw.
I’ve also had fights with string trimmers, bulb planters, electric chainsaws, tillers and other various yard and garden accessories. There’s a reason a lot of these “tools” are recent inventions targeted at the lazy. They don’t work well. Sure, there are some great modern inventions (like the tractor) and there have been good innovations on old ideas (like the broadfork) but most of the best tools are centuries old. Unlike anything electrified or run on gasoline, those tools will keep working for you no matter what happens to the economy and the supply lines. Here’s a little illustration I did for a recent garden talk:
Those tools are the tools that will save your skin. I don’t need extra nylon string for my machete. I don’t need oil for my spading fork.
You know what they say: if it looks too good to be true, you’re going to end up paying child support from behind bars.
No, that’s not right. Let’s try again.
If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
There we go.
Beware of tools that look complicated or promise amazing results. Even simple things – like drip hoses – can be a pain in the neck. If you want to garden well, get good tools… learn to use them well… and if you feel the urge to get something gadgety, make sure you can afford to burn that money.
Speaking of burning, I think it’s time to go try out my new 100,000 BTU flame weeder.
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